alli snow

We've all heard the horror stories. To uphold the anti-Christian ideals of our Founding Fathers, community leaders across America are finally taking the necessary steps to sterilize their towns of any religious imagery. Nativity scenes are banned from public areas. “Christmas Trees” are changed to more tolerant “Holiday Trees”. Kris Kristofferson is shunned like a topless dancer at an Amish wedding. At last, the normally exclusive holidays are becoming more accessible to everyone, and it’s pushing all the biblethumping Whos in Whoville right off the deep end. “It’s a War on Christmas!” is the desperate cry from the religious right, their hysteria fueled by hate radio and digital brownshirts.

I’ll let you folks in on a little secret: there is no “War on Christmas”. It’s all a lie concocted by the right-wing media to distract attention away from the quagmire in Iraq. Go ahead! Decorate your silly little Christmas tree and guzzle your spiked eggnog in honor of 2000 years of religious genocide. Whatever you do in the privacy of your home is your own damn business, as long you keep it there and away from the eyes of impressionable children. Let’s leave the “Come to Jesus” crap at home and preserve the public arena for anti-war marches and gay pride parades.

And that goes double for any fundamentalist punks who get their Christmas jollies terrorizing hard-working families. Several local cells of the American Taliban have been roaming my neighborhood like packs of wild dogs, singing songs about Baby Jesus and leaving mysterious baskets of fruit and cookies on the doorsteps of their unsuspecting victims. Personally, I’ve found that an ordinary lawn sprinkler provides excellent protection against such unwanted visits from the yodeling God Squad. I had three or four hours of blessed peace and quiet last night before a knuckle-dragging neocon starting pounding on my door and yelling obscenities at me.

“Turn it off, you stupid jackass! Water is leaking through the ceiling five floors down!”

Well, you should have thought of that before you sent your snots up to proselytize at a progressive, you intolerant bastard.

I am constantly amazed by the selfishness and insensitivity of some people, especially so close to the Winter Solstice.